At a Crossroad...

My life for the past 2 years has been a whirwind, there were so many hasty decisions made which at this point i do not and will never ever regret. But right now, i am at a point where i begin to ask the whys... Lost and Confused are understatements if i were to describe what im feeling now.  Lost because i do not know where this will lead to and confused because i do not understant why these things are happening to me. I always believed that everything happens for a reason, once i asked some friends the reason for all these, and they say its no other than the gift of life i have inside me.  Yes, i am 6 months pregnant now. Eversince i remember, ive always wanted to have a child of my own but for some ironic reason, i am not excited about my pregnancy.  I was in the beginning but after all these terrible things have happened, the stress, all the fear of being responsbile for someone else's life, facing all these alone, the uncertainties--- all these make it soo hard for me to be excited and happy.

The decisions i make beginning today will affect the rest of my and my child's lives.  I know that for a fact.  To consider my emotions, my child's future, my personal needs, my pride, what's best for my son, being alone...are just too much.  I wish there's one button i can just press and everything will just be over.  That i can skip all the pain and be in that place where everything is where it should be, as what God planned it to be.  They say i have to go through it all, that it will make me stronger and make me a better person. The process just scares me to death.

I don't remember praying this much in my entire 35 years of existence but for the past 3 weeks, i did nothing but pray.  And they do help, my prayers help me overcome the day to day pain that i experience, it helps clear my mind off the negative things i think of that stress me out, it helps me go through my daily grind in the office.  I still don't have the specific answers i ask for, it still hasn't given me that one thing my heart desires but the fact that i live by the day is already a miracle for me.  I survive each day and my baby is still ok.

I've been reading a lot of marriage blogs and talking to my married friends, and i have learned a lot.  I was able to see the things i do wrong but these realizations may be futile as changing and improving myself may be too late already.  I know sooner or later i have to face reality.  I can do all the delaying tactics, i can beg, pray, cry but at the end of the day if it's over, it is over.  And that's something i will have to accept. I may not have to give up myself, but i can only hope and pray that his heart softens and changes from a distance.